Business News Prints

'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'

'And the good news is - we're in deep doo-doo.'

"Today, 'Greed' was up, on news that 'fear' was down."

'Our survey shows there's more confidence in shopping coupons that the dollar...'

'Today the stock market was up on rumors that money actually can buy happiness.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

"And now for today's financial tip...."

A Man and His Cat Read the Financial News.

'Four out of five economists agree that economics is indeed 'the dismal science'.'

'Today, a downturn in 'social conscience' stocks on news that 'nice guys finish last'.'

'Today stocks closed higher on the news that more people are getting into the market to avoid feeling 'left out'.'

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell!'

'Bad news in the money sector if you were expecting to spend it.'

'Today stocks dropped on a report that high-frequency rumours are driving the market down.'

'Media stocks rose on news that Warren Buffett, a real smart feller, brought the Omaha World-Herald.'

Factory closed. The 1st CEO got most of it, as a bonus, when we fired him. Ditto, the 2nd CEO, and the last CEO got what was left.

Layoff News.

"Keep a television remote zapper handy along with a bottle of scotch whisky."

'You think economic news on TV could be adversely affecting our patient?'

'In today's market news,greed roared back.'

"This just in - The Dow continues its relentless plunge. Relentless plunges are brought to you by Remik Elevator."

"Today the U.S. dollar held steady against the yen, yuan, pound, euro and the Greek 'I.O.U.'"

"Stock dropped on news a study said adversity is good for the soul."

"Today the Federal Reserve announced interest rates will stay the same, but hemlines will rise."

"Not a good sign when the stock market reporter starts sobbing uncontrollably."

"Stocks were up, but irrational exuberance was still down."

Economics journalist

Bought GE stock at its high.

"Stocks closed higher on news the U.S. budget deficit and the universe are expanding, so go with the flow."

"A mixed day on wall street. Growth stocks were down. Beaten down stocks were up."

"Stocks fell, then Rose...on news that the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Men on escalators reading newspapers, shares are going up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

The Joy of Recession

"Nothing is certain except death."

That Chinese stock market crash really wrecked our own market. Did you lose big when the market tanked? On the contrary. Let's say a caf