Bull And Bear Market Buff Pillows

'Don't let our profits go south. You know what I'm like when we get in the RED!'

The day the stock market went UP.

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"To summarize the year: we were taken over, we took over, we were taken over and we took over."

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

What happens when the bears are running the market.

You invested in Facebook?! How could you? That bugs you? You, of all people, are mad that the FTC is suing Meta Platforms in an antitrust case? No, I mean how can you afford to invest? If you can afford to buy stock, then I pay you way too much. It was only $40! Quiet, I'm calculating your pay cut.

"I wouldn't stand there, if I were you."

'What's this I hear about you going long?'

'He'll love this cologne. It has the scent of an undervalued stock.'

"I told you everyone would come as a bull or a bear..."

'Money, I'm home!'

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

'We may not agree on the stock market, but we're both Chicago fans.'

'Harold took the advice of the 'experts' and only invested in things he understood, which is why our portfolio consists entirely of Anheuser-Busch and Phillip Morris.'

America's funniest investment scams

Stock market books.

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

'He said his first words today - 'dividend reinvest'.'

Papa bear plays the stockmarket.

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

"Buy low, sell high. That's all I know about the birds and bees, Harland."

Stock market recession strategy.

"That's the shoestring I started with. It was tied around 100 million dollars worth of stocks and bonds."

Wall Street Red Ink.

"We have had some bumps and bruises on the stock market."

'Pssst! How do we go about telling him we're interested in growth stocks?'

'If you wanted to become rich, you shouldn't have become a doctor. You should have become an investment counselor.'

"The market was doing so well I decided not to hibernate this year."

'Making a profit was a lot easier before so many countries abandoned socialism and started competing!'

Little Investment on the Praire

New York Stock Exchange: Feed the bears at your own risk.

STRIP Hambone: Money market warning indicator

'Today stocks acting 'funny peculiar' outnumbered 'funny ha-ha' stocks by a 2-1 margin.'

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"