Broadcast Journalist Gifts

'We interrupt this Special Bulletin to give you an even more special bulletin!'

'Our new simplified energy bills just have a few options starting with 'Grossly inflated' and progressing to the premium 'Bloodsucker' package. . .'

'We have no tragic death stories to open the newscast this evening...'

'This has been a Chris Wallace special report -- we now switch you back to Mike Wallace....'

'And some thunder in the nether regions.'

'For the next sixty seconds, this station will totally freak out....'

'Anthrax and Dec.'

'The views expressed are not necessarily those of management. Although it's obvious my cameraman couldn't agree more.'

'I really can't do anything about Bill O'Reilly, sir -- why don't you watch PBS?'

'This doesn't look good!'

'Other bad news' department.

"This just in. . . my counterpart at a rival network earns twice what I do. . . So I'll be going on strike tomorrow."

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

We Are Sorry But All Our Presenters are busy at the moment, however your viewing is important to us, so please stay tuned in until one becomes available. . .

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Anderson Cooper

BBC TV Programming Department

'The signs are we're in for a long, cold winter...'

"Ah, summertime! Robert Potts is sitting in for Jim Jensen, who is sitting in for Harry Reasoner, who is sitting in for Walter Cronkite, who is on vacation."

"Our top story: People all over the world have stopped fighting, and will join together in a chorus of peace and love! This just in: Fighting erupts over what song to sing."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

"There's more rain in the forecast."

"The Scottish Premier is to start using goal-line technology similar to the 'Hawkeye' system currently used in the premier league. It's expected 'Och-Aye' will be installed at all grounds in time for next season."

Argued On-air

NBS NEWS DIVISION, 'This is just a thought, but maybe we could try animated anchormen.'

Couple watching television, "You see a lot more with these widescreen TV's"

"This is Matt with your five day forecast, on location."

'Good evening. Peter Jennings is ff tonight, and I'm some ditzy blonde...'

'Welcome to 'All Sides of the Issues.' Here's our panel of commentators -- a communist, a socialist, a liberal, and a progressive....'

'Due to scheduling conflicts, the Today show will be seen tomorrow....'

'And now the last minute report just handed to me ... The dam has broken! Head for the hills!'

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