Book Industry Insider Pillows

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Lesser known greek gods,

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

Editor.

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

Getting the bus back into town from the Bologna Children's Book Fair...

'Shakespeare's Hamlet word for word - and I who always thought it was a crazy joke.'

'No, go ahead and critique my mss. I'm always ok ... after the initial reaction.'

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

Reading room

"My lawyer doesn't trust my agent who doesn't trust the director who doesn't trust the screenwriter who doesn't trust me. All perfectly normal."

'Your novel has an up-to-the-moment breaking news quality. We intend to publish it in 2012.'

'The global economy supplies basic tools. A lot of us get the axe.'

'The music business.'

"I'm not sure if the audience is ready to embrace you in a romantic comedy."

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

"When I was young, music and lyrics were important! Now it's all about production...it's all jiggly butts, smoke, sexy clothes and crazy videos!"

"That's not how I had hoped they would promote my novel."

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

"Health officials now confirm the proliferation of a new epidemic they're calling 'way too many memoirs being published.'"

'We've decided to call off our go-slow.'

"It's always 'Get me a Godzilla type,' never 'Get me Godzilla!'"

"Manufacturing will take place in China, R&D in Korea, customer support will be run from Mumbai and logistics handled in Vietnam."

"Legal is concerned you made up your 'True Life' adventures."

"Don't peddle your new book until the seminar's over."

'Meet the Author!'

'I'm your husband. Surely you can tell me how many copies your book sold.'