Bizarre Bites Lover Pillows

"Bring me something impaled on a tusk."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Apple Pie Abduction

'I don't think you quite grasp our overall motif.'

A thief steals a heart

Working On Silly String Theory.

"Why is this cart so heavy?"

'Oh come on, I'm sure she'll still be there after Match of the Day's finished...'

"What's your earliest memory, Randy?" "Good question, little buddy." "I was five years old. An alien child crash-landed and I found it hiding in my closet. I befriended it and taught it to have fun. But eventually it got sick, and the government stepped in. That's when I helped the alien make its escape and reunited it with its parents." "That sounds awfully familiar, Randy." "I was a child. When some writer offered to option the story in return for a pack of Bubbalicious, I thought it w

'Huge waves, loose shorts and a body like a gourd. I was never going to make it through summer without a serious privacy breach.'

Zombie Zin: The Red of the Dead

"Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do."

Salad Hat

Shoppers of Mystery.

'I don't quite know what it is... but there's something about this place gives me the creeps, Joe.'

'I had a wonderful evening, Oswald but this wasn't it,I'm afraid!'

"Mrs. Walsh? Oh, good ... you’re still alive."

"You know very well you're not supposed to beg at the table."

"Spoiler alert! You won't be needing those warm clothes."

Death model.

'Wake up - the dolphin has stolen our palm tree'

"I just KNEW something like this would happen when I switched health plans. The old plan let me pick my own doctors!"

"Hello Ma'am! Have you ever looked at other shark owners and thought 'Why not me?'..."

This week in tentacles

"Mr. Jerry Springer - have I got something for you!"

'Take no notice, it's only the poltergeist. He does it for attention.'

Johnny Vegas.

A ghost in bed with the Grim Reaper

"Oh, don't mind him. He comes here to get warmed over."

"Tuna and chicken bone breakfast smoothie. We were going to surprise you."

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

Lovers Guide, "I can't get it in !"

"What?"

An executioner practices beheading with his son on a tee-ball.

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"