Big Kids Pillows

'Timothy-Rex! Stop playing with the food!'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

'Chocolate milk, carrot cake,candied yams...see, there's a solution to everything!'

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

'He made an excellent jelly.'

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

'I don't see why I have to pick it up. I'm not responsible for the law of gravity.'

'Mom, don't you understand? Those collars are symbols of subservience and repression!'

'Maybe the batteries are dead.'

Grounded

"Mom, Mom, watch me!"

'Mom! This high resolution screen makes it seem like you're really outdoors!'

Perks Featured in Vacancy at Toy Company

'This is your spinal column...It's a bunch of bones that runs up and down your back and keeps your legs from going all the way up to your neck.'

'Mom's baking finally allowed us to diversify and greatly increase our neighborhood market share.'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

'Aw, mom! How come I always have to eat at the kiddie carcass?'

'I've been told before that I'm very mature for a three year old.'

Philosopher trading cards.

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

Show and Tell: 'These came from our orgasmic garden.'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

Summer reading for the family.

The dark side of Halloween.

"There are days when I wish we'd never agreed to him changing his spots"

Ice Cream Tower.

Mr. Blok goes bowling.

"Daddy, instead of the princess story tonight, can you explain how and why manifest destiny eliminated the American Indians?"

"Tell us again about the humpback of Notre dame."

"Your animal companionship is here!"

"What you find 'boring' spies from all over the world would find extremely interesting."

Onion Tears

"'Course I've seen one before...but never one that ate peanuts!"