Bickering Aficionado Pillows

"Yes, you'll do it? Or yes, you wish I were dead?"

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'Arf! Arf!'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'Can you give him something to relax his jaws?'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

Dog phrenology

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

'I hate the moods yuo wake up in!'

Dog in therapy.

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

'Wow, it's busy...I hope we can find a barking spot!'

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

The Art of Bantering!

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

A lesson in wit

'Let me put this in dog terms: Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Bow-wow-wow!'