Beginning A Political Career Gifts

'And here you see the heart of this nation's capital. If you roll down your windows, you can smell the BS.'

Politician

"What was I thinking?!"

'Look dear, he's writing political speeches.'

Political Candidates' Playbook Signals from the sidelines

'Why does my opponent keep lying about me?', 'Because truth is stranger than fiction?'

'I would love to run for class president, but I'm concerned about the vetting process. I once faked sleep during nap time in pre-school.'

'Danae's spent all this week writing new amendments, which I can only assume means she doesn't know what it'll take to get them into the constitution...so I sent her a link on the process...'

Joe Biden

"I wish he'd actually play with his toy hospital, rather than just making strike placards."

"The treasury has hacked into his computer and asked for ideas to solve the deficit"

'I've changed my mind...I want to grow up to be a politician.'

Running for Congress

Lisbon Treaty.

'I'm so proud of Trevor for getting an early start on his negative campaign for Student Council.'

'Congratulations son. A term or two in Congress is excellent preparation for a career as a lobbyist.'

Caution Bullet Ahead

'When I'm old enough to vote, I'm going to select Santa Claus as a write-in candidate.'

"Speechmaking during a pandemic can be unnerving.. just pretend there's an audience!"

"No one is prepared for life as a congressman. Just imagine it's your first day in junior high school."

"I'm thinking of getting into office politics."

'Your excuses for not doing your homework are excellent. How about a career as political apologist?'

Remember, Cromwell, it's not the actual number of new jobs created that counts. It's the number of new job announcements.'

On the Campaign Trail...

"I'm running for re-election. How much to make it look like I give a damn?"

"Eat your borscht. Don't you want to be President of the Soviet Union when you grow up?"

"Honk If You're Running For Governor!

"Do my hair like Boris Johnson."

'The greenest government ever?'

US congress

Attorney General Barr

"Actually, minister, as long as you say 'strong and stable, you can fill the rest with any old b*llocks!"

Student Council. Ernie's no longer on the student council, but he's sticking around as a lobbyist.

'Don't worry too much about math, science, or history -- just make sure you get good marks in rhetoric.'

'I'd like to run for class president but I don't want to put my family through a background check.'