Bedtime Witchery Pillows

Witch in bed reading: 'The Joy of Hex'.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Late night teddy reading

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

Dog Nightmares

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

'She's just great with the children.'

"Amen. . . void where prohibited by law."

'At lone at last.'

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"... And bless my dog, Penny, whose licks give me the strength to carry on."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

'A Great Big Bang. An I-Can-Read Cosmology Book'

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

Bedtime Stories with Gordon Ramsay

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

"Name your sources."

"When Mom reads that story, the dragon comes off as a much more sympathetic character."