Bedtime Story Fan Gifts

Monsters won't eat you if they're not hungry. So, each night, Mom makes it a sandwich. If I keep my room tidy.

'I checked under your bed. Saddam Hussein is not there. Now go to sleep.'

A volcano in bed with a lava lamp on the bedside table

"And they lived happily ever after until their retirement savings ran out."

'Jumbo waits for the tusk fairy'

'That's not the moat you hear - you forgot to jiggle the handle again.'

'. . . and in the twinkling of an eyes, the festive feeding frenzy began.'

'You're improving Dad! My foot's asleep!'

'I can't sleep a wink - it feels like someone's got their life savings under here.'

'All right. I'll count sheep, but I thought we were cattlemen.'

'You're taking up kung fu? What put that idea in your head?'

"Read to me again, Grandpa, how the country was about to collapse, and you rushed in and raised the debt ceiling..."

A mobile phone reads bedtime stories.

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Late night teddy reading

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."