Bedtime Routine Master Mugs

"I lost my reading glasses, so pick something wordless."

'Time for bed.'

"Mom" Dad! I got dressed and brushed my teeth! Can I go outside and play?!"

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

"I spend my day prepping for a good night"

"Amen. . . void where prohibited by law."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"Damn. I took the Rip Van Nyquil."

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Good night, Dear. Text me if you need anything.'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

'...and I only have eyes, for ewe...'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

'So how do you manage such a close shave?' 'Simple,i wait till the very last second.'

'Snap, crackle, help! I'm lactose intolerant!'

'I'm glad you're reading my night night story. Dad being a tax attorney only reads chapter 11.'

"Your princess voice is kind of patronizing."

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

Bedtime story.

"I'm used to falling asleep with the TV on. Read me an infomercial."

"Am I looking happy or sad in the appropriate places?"

',,,and they all lived happily ever after, Now close your eyes and go to sleep'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

"Dad—will the heroine go into rehab?"

'But I'm not tired yet!!!'

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

No caption (A daughter shines a light from her cellphone as her dad makes a Twitter icon shadow puppet).

A.S.A.P.'s Fables

"This bedtime story is brought to you by your good friends at the toy shop."

"The prince, …. what's his back story?"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"Here’s a book with a pretty peacock on the cover. Let’s try this Flannery O’Connor story before bed."

"Never get between a mama bear and her cub – unless you want to hear a long story about our struggles with bedtime."