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'Wake up honey, you're roaring again.'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'She's just great with the children.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

Boy and Bear and Monster

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

'A Great Big Bang. An I-Can-Read Cosmology Book'

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

'The pile of unread books by the bed looks bigger than the futon...'

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

"Mommy usually reads me a story, then slips me a twenty."

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."