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Boring Bedtime Stories.

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Dog Nightmares

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

At Ireland's oldst and most respected school of dance, Mrs O'Hara made a terrible discovery... (Book entitled 'The book of Irish dancing vol. 2 - How to incorporate the arms')

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

Divine Desk Bins

'A Great Big Bang. An I-Can-Read Cosmology Book'

'The pile of unread books by the bed looks bigger than the futon...'

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"

"Mommy usually reads me a story, then slips me a twenty."

"When Mom reads that story, the dragon comes off as a much more sympathetic character."

"Your princess voice is kind of patronizing."

"He's right―there is something under the bed!"

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

Bedtime story.

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

Dr. Reynolds unsuccessfully combines night story time with EHR pajama time.

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

'I can't sleep. I'm too awake.'

'But I'm not tired yet!!!'

Fairtale prosecutions.

'Read me 'Br'er Rabbit again and this time leave out the southern accent.'

"Then one day I thought, what the hell?! Maybe it's time I started granting a few of my own wishes."

"Please, Daddy, just one more conspiracy theory."

"This is all I have time for now, dear...the knight slays the dragon and marries the princess. For more detail go to www.fairytale.net."

'See, there are no people in your closet. Now, go to sleep!'

"Tell me the fairytale about the economy."

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"