Bedside Manner Boaster Gifts

'But I'm sure my regular doctor is better than you. He has a Mercedes, you know.'

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

"I feel your pain level."

Doctors Discussion

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'Either I've got bad news for you or my watch has stopped...'

'Just remember, you're not alone - I'm scared to death, too.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

"I assure you I do appreciate what you're feeling."

'Isn't there ANYTHING you can do, Doctor?'

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"I would not recommend you bypass heart surgery."

"I find this helps, when I have to tell a patient some devastating news."

'Doc, check out screen 2 in ten minutes...we got the big game!'

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

Heyyy, don't worry about a thing. One more energy drink and I'll have you sliced and sutured in no time!

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

He's a brilliant doctor, but his bedside manner needs work…

'Actually, you're my second patient if you count that cadaver in med school.'

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

"The doctor is a little squeamish, so don't mention anything gross."

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"It looks like the internal bleeding should - I'm sorry. It's taking everything in my power not to tickle you right now."

"Hi. First time, long time. Second marriage, second mortgage. Forty years old, forty pounds overweight. No question - I just like talking about myself."

"Anyhoo, it's malignant."

"I've a patient who needs a 'chat'...have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in a lighthearted, supportive but not disempowering manner' course?"

"I'm recommending a transplant. I'm transplanting you to another hospital."

'And if you like we can arrange for you to receive next to last rites on the morning of your surgery.'