Bedside Comic Pillows

"Very funny, doc, but don't you think I should have some medicine?"

"Talk nerdy to me."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

Get well soon!

'Billy - no! Do not ask for his autograph. He'll lose his natural fear of fans, become a nuisance, and then he'll need to be tranquilized and relocated to Europe.'

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

Lord of the Rings: Two Towels

'Just remember, you're not alone - I'm scared to death, too.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

"I assure you I do appreciate what you're feeling."

"Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding emphatically."

"I would not recommend you bypass heart surgery."

"I find this helps, when I have to tell a patient some devastating news."

"Our operators are all busy. You are second in the queue."

'I love my mobile.'

"The surgery went well. It had spread, but I'm quite confident we got it all."

"You can have a local anesthetic or imported."

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

Heyyy, don't worry about a thing. One more energy drink and I'll have you sliced and sutured in no time!

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

"All you cockroaches, …. When he tries to listen to the ocean, … run as fast as you can into his ear."

'Well, we finally figured out what the problem is...your warranty expired.'

'Actually, you're my second patient if you count that cadaver in med school.'

'It's alright for you - you're going home today!'

'...Where did you get all these piranhas?'

The downside of curbing your dog....

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

"The doctor is a little squeamish, so don't mention anything gross."

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

"It looks like the internal bleeding should - I'm sorry. It's taking everything in my power not to tickle you right now."

I have a low flow toilet ... but not by design.

"We have to stop meeting this way, Allison!"

'Bernie. You better have my ashtray by the time I get there!'