Barstool Warmer Pillows

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

I only root so hard for my time because I hate your team so much.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Will you please stop feeding the pigeons?!'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'Radford, go in for Bloom. ... Uh-uh-uh! Finish your vegetables first!'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Just think how much we could save if we switched the heating off altogether."

My first mistake.

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

Feathered frenzy

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"And this is Joshua, he'll be a hundred and forty-seven months next week."

'I said, I've decided to make myself available for the NBA draft.'

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

Spring Training

'Boozer's Week.'

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."