Barflies Pillows

"It's good to get hammered by something other than the economy."

"I drink to forget...which can take for freakin-ever when you're an elephant"

"Well hey, I have tensions in my life too."

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

"My grandfather dies from asbestos poisoning - it took 'em 3 weeks to cremate him...."

"I need a familiar face. Give me a beer with a good head on it."

"On the plus side, my back hasn't felt this good in years."

"AS a matter of fact, yes, you have told me you vacationed on Earth."

'The name's Bond . . .Vagabond . . . '

'The ball takes a beautiful arc and lands two feet from the pin. Then, my wife spoils it all by reminding me we were bowling.'

'I told you smokefree bars wouldn't be the end of it!'

'No man is an island.' 'Try telling Ben Becula that.'

Detox meets Botox.

'Telephone call for Mr. Right!'

Dirty Martini.

'Forget it, Fred. She's too fast for you.'

'Scotch and salt water please.'

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

"Look, I'm not disputing that I'm 'big' and 'a wolf' but 'bad' is such a subjective word!"

*My wife doesn't understand me...

"Call the organ bank and tell them that we're ready for tonight's pickup!"

"Pickled eggs"

"Hey. We’re in the doghouse every night. That’s the beauty of it."

"I'd love to stay and chat but I just heard a silent dog whistle."

Cocktail Franks

"I wasn't cable-ready."

"Actually, make that a double cream."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"Why am I always the designated driver?!"

"I think I speak for my entire generation when I say, 'Yes, I will have another drink.' "

"An everything Martini, please."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'Crushing empty beer cans is for wimps.'

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.