Bar Banter Buffer Pillows

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'That guy is SO tacky.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"Is that neat whisky?"

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It takes me only one drink to get drunk. Its either the seventh or eighth."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."