Band Wannabes Pillows

"And another thing - I'm tired of you calling my band a 'side project'."

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

As Seen On TV

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"We could start a band."

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

"I think we're ready for the big move up from shed band to full garage band."

Before and After Tattoos.

"I was assistant to Prince Andrew for six months, then I realised that, no matter how good I was, they were never going to make me Prince Andrew."

Man on a desert island with only one palm tree making it impossible to hang a hammock.

In-law country

A young boy shaving

Trying to thumb his nose at authority, Lumpy stuck his thumb in his eye! Man covering eye with his hand.

'Selma never had a lesson in her life. She picked up all that noise on her own.'

'Don't they ever go down with their ruddy gondolas?'

The Chest of Drawers Whisperer.

"What a guy!"

They had always thought you had to be a karate master to get a black belt. Then one day, they discovered it was the other way around.

'I'm not getting any hits!' 'Bloggers can't be choosers.'

"We're only here summers, but Roger likes to be taken for a local."

"I've got a part in a soap."

Viking Hats.

"I can try all I want, but there's no way I look smooth on this bike!"