Balaclava Buffs Pillows

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

"There it was again...SOOIE! And then she realized the pig call was coming from inside the house!"

Harriet Walter

'Now forget that I'm your boss and the CEO. How does my new product idea, Just the Lees, taste?'

Fan-Centric Stadium

'I'm not experienced, but I have a PhD in Byzantine history.'

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't involve the bouncer just to "teach somebody a lesson." Menu.

'I know it doesn't look like much, but have you ever been shot in the face with a p****d off cat?'

Mixing Business and Pleasure

Rind of the Ancient Mariner

Dugout sale!

'George, I'd like you to meet Mademoiselle Fifi LaTour from Paris -- she inspired me to invent bifocals!'

'I've invented food, and I've invented shelter -- two out of three isn't so bad!'

'There's nothing to beat a real seaside holiday is there?'

"Gracious me, Fat Tony doesn't whack people any more, you're merely being unfriended."

Desert Island Puncture

New ruling on ageism makes a difference.

"Sod climbing it - I'm gonna smoke it...!"

"Sorry I backed into you. I didn't see you in my mirrors."

"I'm sorry- I was wrong."

Hip/ hip-hop replacements.

Under Attack.

'All the gold that's ever been mined would make a cube 68 feet on a side, but that doesn't include rapper teeth, in which case it's 150.'

'Darn it, Marvin! Can't you do anything right?'

"We the jury couldn't reach a verdict, but we were able to come up with this haunting ballad about the murder."

After the Ottomans are Weakened, Sultan Muhammad II Drives His Horse Into the Sea (History of the Crusades).

'We ran out of cups.'

Punching out Teeth.

"The surgery went well but we'll have to open you up again. I'm going to need my watch."

Mobile bleachers

'A message from the barbarians, sire. They don't want to lay siege. They just want to shoot some hoops.'

Charles Causley.

'Could you please pass this down?'

"I can't believe I ate all that salad for nothing."