Baby's First Christmas Gifts

Santa as a baby.

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Do you want to play doctorate?"

Young Frank Lloyd Wright

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

Bitchbark Canoe

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Young Frankenstein"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

Tartine

At the end of each day, Gary had approximately 7 minutes of free time – which left him feeling very vulnerable.

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

Robot Parts $5

'Isn't that cute! They're thanking us.'

City Zoo: Day Care

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

Joey discovers the difference between coffee beans and jelly beans.

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

Come dine with me!

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."