Baby Bonding Expert Gifts

'If you're happy to demand feed we'll get along just fine.'

"Just gotta wait 'till she wakes up."

"Sorry Tina, I won't be able to come over: Joey is finally asleep and I don't dare move..."

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

"I think it's time we learned to stand up for our selves."

First Steps

Father and son with matching beer crates.

"Now this is a dog park!"

'All I want for Christmas is my old shape back again.'

'I know I'm your father, but I'm also your attorney and these father-son talks are considered billable hours.'

'He had a tough time fishing today,'

'Great teamwork Joey!'

"A family party isn't complete until we all insult Tia Rosa's ex-husband."

"What better way to start your day than to eat and pray before we play!"

"With great power comes zero responsibility."

"Next to my two years in the Marines, you're the best thing I've ever done."

Take your daughter to work day: 'Can you say 'intestines'?'

"Dad! Color inside the lines!"

"Unlike the case for dogs, the people that cats own don't grow to look like them. I mean, seriously, what human could look as good as this?"

"That's it! You've watched TV out here long enough! We need to spend more family time together! I'm putting this thing in the closet!"

"Tia Carmen, is this our house or is it our home?"

"Which one's mine?!"

Our first day of distance learning started off well.

"So, you see, what you were really looking for was a deeper connection with your father, and not the dentist's office down the hall."

Two breasts: No waiting

"Sometimes, old things need to be replaced.... That was purely an observation and in no way a metaphorical piece of fatherly wisdom."

"Is there something wrong with the car, Mom?"

"Baldo, I think we should meet once a week for dinner."

3 Easy Christmas Crafts

Caveman's son on stone inline skates

Snack Time

Supper.

'A toast to the graduate. You're in a class by yourself.'

'I can't take the stress test next week. I have to go to the pool with my grandson and show him how to do a one-and-a-half gainer of the high diving board.'

'Have you ever seen that TV ad, 'Help, I'm sitting around gossiping and can't shut up', Timmy?'