Award Ceremony Aficionado Pillows

The Academy Award for Best Performance Playing the Victim

'I can't tell TIME magazine what to do -- it's not my fault they made Lady Godiva 'Woman of the Year.''

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

'Guess what? I won again.'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

'Nine national treasures in one film! Start writing your Oscar speech, darling.'

Soccer coach of the year.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

And this one i got for properly polishing my medals.

"And the award for Best Product Placement in a Domestic or Foreign Film goes to..."

Geoffrey Rush

Barbie Oscars

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

'...well you say you're Stephen Hawking but as Eddie Redmayne said he was going to turn up in character we're not too sure."

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Oscars acceptance speech.

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"I'd like to thank my mum..."

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

Norman E-Mailer

"And, finally, to my wife, my love and appreciation for her understanding and critical insights, without whom this project would never have been accomplished."

"The idiots don't realise that flying in a private jet is meant to be IRONIC!"

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

'Yeah, but would you want to have a beer with him.'

"First, I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

"They finally gave me the employee of the month award, but it kind of loses its meaning when every single other employee has already gotten it five times."

"I want to thank all the little people."