Award Achievers Gifts

"I was awarded this Oscar for my presentation of an Oscar at the Oscars."

U of Debt

GCSEs

'Congratulations, you graduated.'

'Guess what? I won again.'

'My hot-shot assistant was named as one of the top 10 to watch."

In addition to brilliant grades and perfect SATs � Parents' night. College admissions. Your child should excel at 3 sports and lead a school extra-curricular like the newspaper. Don't the arts count? Sure! If your child sings, for example � A part on 'Glee' or in the Metropolitan Opera would certainly help. Our kids are doomed.

'I told you hard work would pay off in the third grade, Cate...You've had three job offers.'

"So that's where you were last night."

Soccer coach of the year.

"Why can't you be more like little Hester Prynne? She's getting straight A's."

'Being a brilliant,inspiring teacher is NOT adequate, Hackwell....'

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"I'd like to thank my family, but, to be honest, I'm pretty sure I could've done it without them."

Well, wish me luck. Mom and dad can handle an 'A' and two 'B's, but I've REAL-L-L-L-Y got to spin the 'D' in math!

'We're looking for an award-winning sales professional. Those are trophies. You're overqualified.'

"...and I'd like to thank all my patients for being so ill..."

Employee of the month...

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

"Great! I've finally mastered all my competencies and my teachers still have most of their hair."

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

"We don�t do awards ceremonies up here actually"

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

"...and this one is for the Spritzer Beer account."

'I'm bright enough. I just don't have the right connections.'

"I'd like to thank everyone who believed in me."

"Well, Timmy's academic results show that he has an exceptional instinct, well above the standard "basic instinct"..."

Norman E-Mailer

"What - you got As in Maths, Nature, Science and English? Son, haven't you watched the news or looked online - if you want to succeed nowadays you have to be dumb as dirt!"

'I want to thank my biological and surrogate Mother, my two Dads.. .'

"They finally gave me the employee of the month award, but it kind of loses its meaning when every single other employee has already gotten it five times."

Theodore Roosevelt wins the Nobel Peace Prize.