Automated Call Survivor Prints

'It's that automated heavy breathing again.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"To hear the sounds of the seas press 1, for all other options, or, to speak with a customer advisor, please press 2."

"....To hear those options again, press the pound sign, or click your heels three times to return to the main menu."

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

'While on hold, press #1 for classical music. Press #2 for rock music. Press #3 for country music. Press #4 for...'

'You've waited on hold 45 minutes just to speak to my boss? Seriously, sir, get a life!'

'A telemarketing call for you, Sir.'

On hold, Rick listens to "As Time Goes By" over and over again.

"Heading back to the office after a year of daily zoom meetings."

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"Your car warranty is about to expire..."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."

"Here, I'll call the credit department for you...you might wanna push 'seven' on here."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

'Not another powerpoint sermon!'

March of the Zoombies.

"Your meeting's over. You can relax you zoom face now."

Education Payroll: 'We're trying to resolve your salary problem or, at the very east, put you on hold for th rest of the day.'

"If you are angry at being kept on hold, press 1, if you are furious press 2, if you are apoplectic with rage ..."

If you would be willing to take a short survey at the end of this call, press "1". If you would like to risk being punished for not taking the survey by being kept on hold for an extra 10 minutes, press "2."

'Funny how talking to an automated voice system makes YOU sound like the robot.'

Reverend Quinby visits the holdy land

"We are currently experiencing high call volumes..."

Ten Months Later

Evolution of Zoom

"If you'd like to hear the options again, curse in any language."

"Woopsee! Wrong button. And after you got through all those menus, too! Too bad. Good luck next time! hahaha!"

'For acall centre in Bangalore press 1 - for one in Hyderbad press......'

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'