Automated Call Skeptic Pillows

'To speak to an actual person, press '5.' To speak to an actual wolverine, dream on.'

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

'Mister, the only thing wrong with these computers is the spell check's broken.'

Rational explanations

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Your doctors said no caffeine. I am not your Uncle Mort, I am someone else altogether. Oh yeah? Who are you? I am … Drinkum … Coffeeman … Worthington-Smythe … of the Florida Coffeeman-Worthington-Smythes. You may have heard of us ... we're a family of um ... Troubadours. I, myself, wrote several ballads for the likes of Sinatra, Pat Boone, and Jimi Hendrix. So if I were to Google that right now, Google would confirm that? Google is an abomination!!! One ge

"This isn't a reality show. . . it's the news."

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

Expert examining painting: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's a fake."

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

'Talk about fun, Joey! I dialed a zillion numbers and talked to all kinds of people I couldn't even understand!'

'It just doesn't seem right -- a computer-generated reality show.'

"If you send these people $50 they'll tell you how to make money online."

This is not a scam. Send money and receive authentic 'This is Not A Scam' certificate."

"I thought all the bills we were going to ignore were coming electronically."

"For some plays, the second act is best left shrouded in mystery."

'My teacher uses vowels when shell spells a word. I guess she never texts.'

'If you want to pay your bill, press one. If you want to discuss your bill, press two. If you're frustrated because you can't just talk to a living, breathing, human being, press three.'

'If you give these people £20 they'll show you how to make money off the internet.'

'We've been seeing a lot of this type of injury lately.'

'...just a reminder, this really is the news. It's not a movie or one of those reality shows.'

'He's reached his limit with Government health advice.'

'Information age, ha! Yeah, if the information is porno, or inane chitchat.'

A failed internet scam.

"I told you never to call me at this number."

Crap TV.

"Bloody telemarketers! Always when you're just sitting down for dinner."

The Apprentice - 'I wonder who'll be first to leave this programme and go upstairs to read a book...'

'To figuratively pound your fist into a wall in frustration because you've reached a pre-recorded message, press the 'pound' key. That's what it's for.'

"I'm afraid we have no Grand Panjandrum as such. What we have is a Mr. Kemnitzer."

"I warned you not to order your medicine on the internet!"

"I got a dollar back."

'Adjust your listening device, as our menu has changed...'