Aunt Pillows

"Son, your mother and I, Grandpa Jack, Grandma Kate, Uncle Danny, Aunt Sue, Grandpa Sy, Grandma Jenny, Cousin Rhonda, Tugger, and Sprinkles are gay."

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

Mother's day

"Let's play hide-and-I-read-my-book."

Middle Age - The Magazine For You - Yeah, You!

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

"Honey, your head's through the armhole again."

Pets.

"I can quit whenever I want to."

"Oh, there's Iza---I know her from my matriarch's group."

"Depressed? No doubt. Overwhelmed? Obviously. Crazy? I don't think so."

'Heck, this is nothing, why when I was a kid, we'd have snow clear up to here.'

'It's simple, really - unless and until all our demands are met, we keep crying.'

"First they make you button your own shirt, then they make you tie your own shoes...you gotta ask yourself ? where's this all heading?"

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

'of course I know the value of a dollar...That's why I asked for ten of them.'

'Your house is spotless, your children are well behaved and dinner was delicious. How do you do it?'

"Let me put on my 'working' head."

'How did he make the world in six days?'

'Dude, don't do it. Somewhere down the road it will lead to chores.'

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

Made all my investment decisions with a coin flip.

'Thank God we're cute. You only get one chance to make a good first impression.'

After the last child moved out, the old woman sold the shoe and moved into a flat.

Sorry Mable, you know the rules, no mobile devices allowed on quiz nights.

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

"Any side effects from the HRT?" "WHAT?"

"It wasn't our first choice of schools, but we had a Groupon for it, so what the hell."

'My hot flashes have become much more tolerable since I bought the surge protector.'

'You know you're 40 when...'(women)

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'What's the plural of baby?'