Audiologists T-Shirts

"Don't worry, with a hearing-aid, you'll be able to hear the farmer's whistles and shouts again..."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

'Why don't you ever look at ME that way?'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

At the rock concert...

Hildegard von Bingen

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

In and Out Tray

Gramophone dreams of mp3 player.

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

Stock market investment advice

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

The transparent safe box of Panama

"The 'Sing Only in the Shower' Community Chorus"

"I finally gave in, I got sick of hearing, 'Polly want a podcast?... Polly want a podcast!'"

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'