Astrologer Pillows

'Hmm...yes, I'm afraid it is a sign of cancer.'

'Johannes Kepler's uphill batle'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'Here's your problem. The software was manufactured in November and your computer was manufactured in February. Sagittarius is incompatible with Aquarius.'

"My client pleads not guilty on the grounds that Saturn was transiting his natal Pluto at the time of the incident."

'Are you sure that's right, only we Sagittarians aren't usually that ambitious.'

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

'Capricorns have all the luck.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'I've always found the stars disappointingly small.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

'Well that's certainly new!'

'For $50, I predict your future. Act now and I'll even throw in a few self-fulfilling prophecies.'

'Far out! How did you pick me as a leo?'

The Big Tipper

Happy New Year!

"Hurray! I discovered a new planet!"

'Why aren't comets ever discovered by people named Smith or Jones?'

'There's no agenda! Does anyone know what's going to happen?'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

"What's your sign?"

'I'll be right with you. I'm reading my horoscope.'

'Your horoscope says 'a brilliant day for adventure and romance'.'

"The sign of the sun has been a big influence on his local life, it's his local pub."

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

"Well it's ironic given that I'm actually a Capricorn."

Daniel in the Lion's Den

"Oh, I'm sorry...LIE, not DIE. Someone close to you will LIE tomorrow. Darn auto correct."

'This is Tabitha. If you're good, she'll read your palm and tell your fortune.'

'Thanks to the horoscopes, I became pretty rich! I devise and sell that stuff!'

'What do you mean, closed due to unforeseen circumstances?'

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. You're telling me that this whole time you've just been making up the horoscopes?"

Roy, if you can hear me, the Mets are twenty games over .500 and they have a good shot at clinching the N. L. East."