Astrologer Pillows

'Hmm...yes, I'm afraid it is a sign of cancer.'

'Johannes Kepler's uphill batle'

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'Here's your problem. The software was manufactured in November and your computer was manufactured in February. Sagittarius is incompatible with Aquarius.'

'Are you sure that's right, only we Sagittarians aren't usually that ambitious.'

"My client pleads not guilty on the grounds that Saturn was transiting his natal Pluto at the time of the incident."

'Capricorns have all the luck.'

'Far out! How did you pick me as a leo?'

'I've always found the stars disappointingly small.'

'Well that's certainly new!'

'For $50, I predict your future. Act now and I'll even throw in a few self-fulfilling prophecies.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

Emergency numbers on a telephone.

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

'What do you mean, closed due to unforeseen circumstances?'

'There's no agenda! Does anyone know what's going to happen?'

"Well it's ironic given that I'm actually a Capricorn."

'I'll be right with you. I'm reading my horoscope.'

'Why aren't comets ever discovered by people named Smith or Jones?'

'Thanks to the horoscopes, I became pretty rich! I devise and sell that stuff!'

"Hurray! I discovered a new planet!"

Happy New Year!

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Daniel in the Lion's Den

"Popular astrologer and psychic Malder Tercado's contract with a national Spanish-language TV network was not renewed. Tercado was reportedly surprised by the news...saying he didn't see it coming."

'This is Tabitha. If you're good, she'll read your palm and tell your fortune.'

The Big Tipper

"What's your sign?"

"Oh, I'm sorry...LIE, not DIE. Someone close to you will LIE tomorrow. Darn auto correct."

'Your horoscope says 'a brilliant day for adventure and romance'.'

"The sign of the sun has been a big influence on his local life, it's his local pub."

"I see you going on a long journey."

". . . and in the corner to my right, weighing 217 pounds, fighting as a Capricorn with Capricorn rising and Mars conjunct Uranus in the fifth, out of Beaufort, South Carolinaaa. . ."

"... What sign was I born under? ... A big one which read, 'Maternity Unit'."