Assembly Wizard Prints

"Step 1: Find Someone Who Knows How To Read Instructions, Dave."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"We only got six days of funding."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

"On the eighth day, God found a lot of assembly parts left over."

"Lovely dovetail."

'I have a homepage, therefore I am.'

'Upgrades? Yes, we've programmed it to excrete a few drops of water if it should lose a chess match. You know - tears.'

Deadline

Waiting for retirement.

Targets.

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

Convention for People Who Like to Attend Conventions.

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

Gerald Ratner's return

Caution: use only under child supervison

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

'When I registered for this class, in computer programming, nobody told me that it's all about converting caffeine into computer code.'

'Here comes the 64-bit local bus.'

Tech support...can I help you!

Sports Radio in Crisis

"Making us more mobile friendly didn't mean letting the general public use our car park, Smithers."

"Do you have a link I can click on that removes me from all future conversations with you?"

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

"I've got a great idea! By adding the words "and associates" to my business name, no one will every suspect I'm really just one person with a phone and a web site working out of my bedroom!"

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

This is Pandora, our new Content Manager.

'I think I set the security level, on my anti virus software, too high. Whenever I access anything it is automatically deleted.'

'No wonder it was so hard to assemble. I thought it was supposed to be a basketball hoop, not a weapon of mass destruction.'

Dad's Workbench

The imagery attacks the compalcency of the casual web surfer and uses a visual cacophony of discordant images to excite and enthusethe casual visitor...

"I can't find the instructions."

"I wasn't ho-ho-ho'ing at you, I was ho-ho-ho'ing with you."

'My app just ate your widget.'