Aspiring Comedian With A Medical Twist Pillows

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Robot surgery.

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'I was a junior doctor when I started this shift.'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

'Looks like we could have a pandemic on our hands.'

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"And that was just your sudoku chart."

"One slice—hold the bread."

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet.