Aspiring Comedian With A Medical Twist Pillows

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

There's Nothing Worse Than A Staff Infection

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Robot surgery.

'Everything is going to be fine, Mrs.Witzer...'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'I'll give it back to you in a second hon, I just want to get this broccoli out of my teeth.'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

'I was a junior doctor when I started this shift.'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

No offense, Doctor, but I'm feeling kinda rushed.

'Looks like we could have a pandemic on our hands.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

"And that was just your sudoku chart."

"One slice—hold the bread."

A medical office filing cabinet has drawer labels that read, 'X-Rays,' 'Lab Work,' and 'Exam Room Banter'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.