Appreciates Self-employment Humor Pillows

'How much for you to do my tax return?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"What's your occupation?"

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

When staffing agencies screw up.

Home Business - Business Cards.

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"It pains me to do this, but you're hired."

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'One question before I take the job...is this a safe workplace?'

'This call may be monitored for training purposes or just to keep our staff amused.'

"Very impressive. Leave it with me. Mommy will get back to you by the week."

Not only have we been laid off, but, being small, we can crawl through air ducts with ease.

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

'The destiny of untrained seals'

"I'm at the office party."

'Do we have a dental plan?..Oh sure. Big Kenny here,takes care of all tooth extractions.'

'We were going to hire you, but a background check showed you pulled a girl's ponytail in the 2nd grade. We don't need abusive people working here.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Nice smile! What do you think?'

'I asked my boss if I could use him as a character reference...'

'Inadequate, insecure, obsessive lacking in empathy or commitment...excellent, when can you start?'

'... Service your gas fire?... Certainly, I can not bother turning up this Tuesday morning, if that's convenient.'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'Next thing I'll need from you is a sample. Writing or urine - your choice.'

"Give us a few days and we'll call to tell you we've given the job to someone else."

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"What quality do you have, that will make us hire you as our new telephone support employee?"

'I think we've just been conquered by a horde of middle managers.'

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate our product?"

"I can start you on minimal wage."

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

If Job offers told the truth...

'I believe a problem shared is a problem delegated.'