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Voice Note Content

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

'You got anything that says I put some thought into this gift?'

'If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room.'

'What's the best kind of glue to fix a TV screen?'

Man with wine glass face looks unhappy.

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

"I hear you've a complaint about the eggs..."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

In, Out, Complain.

"My kid could do that."

'A word of advice, the squeaky wheel gets the totally organic, 0 trans-fat, soy-based lubricant.'

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

Sculptor's chippings

Complaints departement for men and women.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

'Correct me if I'm wrong.' (Everyone holds their hand up).

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

"OK, what have you done?"

Hyacinths

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

'I wish you would come to me first with your grievances, instead of going directly to the United Nations Committee on Human Rights.'

"This is to apologise for the delay in internal mail that you wrote to us about in 1997"

"Of course I'm sorry for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done."

Moanathon.

"Sorry I'm late, I've brought cappuccinos for everyone."

Very sorry