Apocalypse Joker Pillows

'Make appointments for all the people I don't like using the Mayan calendar.'

"He's always been an optimist."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

Jurassic Parking Lot

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

The difference between cosmology and cosmetology.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

Get crazy once in a while

"Walking erect is very trendy now."

"Is it true Dad...is the Earth really made of bleu cheese?"

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"I wish we were just called T-Rex..."

'This seashell does not sound like the ocean... It sounds like someone yelling 'Look out!''

'Want to freak her out? Stare over her shoulder without blinking for 10 minutes.'

Angel wears t-shirt with logo: YOLO.

'Did you check the glove compartment? -- maybe you left the keys in there.'

Pole Star

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

Farmer chasing alien leaving crop circles.

Veloci-Rapper

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

Astronaut sees cell tower on the moon.

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'I'm surprised the boss isn't in here checking up on us!'

"What do you mean, you 'feel funny'?"

'Let it go, will you? -- That whoopie cushion incident was years ago!'

Toilet humour

"You are hereby sentenced to one year of swimming with the people."

Climbing to the moon

"Dad, if there's a plot to the universe, can you see any spoilers?"

"And on the seventh day, God 'choked,' and all hell broke loose."