Antiques Valuer Pillows

"It's full of woodworm, we breed them..."

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

Southwark Fair.

Second hand furniture.

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Sundial Time

Abandoning the computer for a typewriter.

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

"Oh, wow! Is that stunning or what?" "Mid-century classic. Should be in a museum. Let's pee on it." "Totally."

"The previous tenant was a bit of a shut-in."

Fossil record player.

'This seems like a good time to get rid of some of the king's junk.'

'Heirloom Tiffany Lamp Delivery. I Brake for Everything.'

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

You had me at vintage.

Antiques

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"Midtown Vinyl. Vintage albums + EPs. Midtown Ink. Vintage books + newspapers."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

The First Printed Bible

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

'This book is so rare it's never been published.'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

"They lead a simple life - they don't even put gas in their cars."

'My old Nehru suit! And in a pocket there's still a bottle of aftershave lotion from the glove box of my '55 Nash Rambler.'

A mummy, in police tape, chases a police officer.

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

Clock and Watch Shop: Second-Hand Clocks and Minute-Hand Clocks.

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'