Anti-narcotics Officers Pillows

Mexico

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

Just Stop Boil

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

"Another reckless baby driver! I'd arrest the whole lot of them if they weren't so damn cute."

"Guess who figured how to call 911!"

-'Okay Rebel, find the drugs.' -'Are you kidding? There's dirty underwear here!'

Ofwat Sewage Scrutiny

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

"Environmental Protection Agency. Scott Pruitt, Administrator."

"We think we've found the murder weapon Sir"

"It's marzipan pigs."

Excessive Paperwork

'This will help you keep track of who's who.'

"Your footage makes us dizzy so we're taking back your body camera, Officer Dancing Traffic Cop."

"I'm here to ensure there's no hanky-panky with the ball's inflation."

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

"Police dramas just aren't what they used to be."

"Hmmm...this'll be a tough one..."

"No, that looks nothing like him. Were you even listening to me? Young man, are you on drugs?"

'Jones, I have asked this officer to arrest you on the grounds that you are a serial time killer.'

'Good afternoon madam, we're Federal Bear Investigators. We believe a miss Goldilocks lives here?'

'Me, I'm here for perjury: I said I couldn't remember while under oath...'

'But, sweetheart, it's only for three hours. Just say you're bringing him in for loitering.'

Public unions.

Man on desert island under expired parking meter, meter maid in boat approaches.

'Let's enrol on the last one. We've more chance of getting a job doing that these days.'