Anti-family Gathering Strategist Pillows

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'Ahhh...'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"Oh, no - Karen baked a cake so dense that not even light can escape."

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

Christmas Tree

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"Hi-yah!"

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"What makes you think I'm dripping it on my shirt?"

"I'm not eating cookies before dinner. I'm having cookies for dinner!"

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Polygamists' Picnic

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

Barbecued dessert, anyone? The coals are PERFECT now!

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I ask that today is a good day...a day that brings family together...to show how we need one another."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"See this jelly wobbling. It was waving goodbye."

'No. The television screen hasn't gone red - You've got tomato ketchup all over your glasses!'

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"Mommy's going to teach you how to make a hamburger."

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

'Never mind about buying that trampoline. I love your new bed!'

celebrating a birth.

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."