Animal Talk Interpreter Pillows

'Listen! If it is a secret, don't tell me: I tend to repeat everything out loud over and over again...'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"They didn't want to be identified in my photo, so I blurred their butts."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"You don't whisper anymore."

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"Could you tell me how to get to cedar grove, New Jersey? I want to see where my grandfather was born."

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"Ever eat a bird?"

"I've never had a bird's eye view of anything."

'Iguana know what time it is.'

"I think it loves us."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"Oh, she talk a lot...but only about her children."

"Yes, that's the tree with all the squirrels from yesterday. And no, I don't know where they are today."

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

"Hold that thought, my love. I'm listening – I just need to pee on those daylilies."

ONE HORSE TOWN

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

"At least you don’t need a wetsuit."

"Obviously, I can't fly like you, but if you teach me, I can probably sing like you..."

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say "feed me," "walk me," "I need to potty," or "leave me alone," or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout "I'm running!" when the dog is running.

"The etchings are in the library."