Ancient Communicator Pillows

'Please... take... a... moment... to... complete... our... brief... survey... to... help... improve... customer... satisfaction... '

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"Damn - another letter to the editor."

"They didn't want to be identified in my photo, so I blurred their butts."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

I sometimes feel spotted, but I never really feel seen.

Ducks and hares taken in by a wolf at a seance

"You don't whisper anymore."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"I think it loves us."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

Michael Jackson - Mission fulfilled.

"Yes, that's the tree with all the squirrels from yesterday. And no, I don't know where they are today."

"Hold that thought, my love. I'm listening – I just need to pee on those daylilies."

'O mighty gods! - May you grant us food, clothing, and shelter, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

"Obviously, I can't fly like you, but if you teach me, I can probably sing like you..."

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"The etchings are in the library."