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'If that doesn't work, nothing will.'

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

"Don't you think it's time we talked about Operation Doug?"

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

X-ray Psychology.

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

Jesus's First and Less-Heralded Miracle Walk,

"Hello, my name is Karl and I'm addicted to speaking to small groups of strangers."

Psychologist's receptionist to man: 'I'm afraid I cancelled your appointment - the doctor has decided you don't exist.'

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

Man in Therapist office sees a sign: Therapy Is Expensive Bubble Wrap Is Cheap You Decide

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

'You again? You know it's called a mid-life crisis, not mid-week!'

"I've been getting really excited about squirrels even when my dog isn't with me."

"She can forgive Nixon, but she can't forgive me."

"To be fair, I think you should be very clear about the ground rules with your next jester."

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

PSYCHIATRIC CLINIC, 'You know what I dread? -- March madness!'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'I don't believe in myself any more.'

"You must learn to let go."

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

"Legally, I have the right to talk as slowly and boringly about all your options as I want."

Witch Doctor

I see

"I have no inner life."

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Groupeé? You can call me "Booster." Dr. Noodle. Hey, who was that who just left your office? Was that that historian I saw on TV? Herodotus Jenkins? I can't say. He's the best. He come here this time every week? I can't say. And who's that out in the waiting room? Is that Brock Manly of "Fast & Furious 12" fame? I can't say. What brings you here? I heard you treat all the famous people. I just thought it might be nice to know the rich and famous are as messed up a

"Let me put it this way. If you had a tail, would you chase it?"

Psychiatry. Ordinary therapeutic techniques have been unsuccessful, but I have a crazy idea that just might work!

'Take two of these, and call me in the morning!'

Man to other coming out of Alternative Health Club: 'I had total joint replacement - they switched me from hemp to medical marijuana.'