Alarm System Enthusiast Pillows

You wanted to see me, boss? Come in, minion. My 13-year contract with Barely Secure Alarm and Donuts is about to expire. I'm tired of paying their exorbitant $7.99 annual fee. From now on, you're going to be the café's alarm system. We'll attach the doors to your eyelids by twine, and if anyone opens a door, you'll know. I'll have to deduct the cost of twine from your check, but I'm sure you can write that off. Very bad man.

'Where was the TSA?'

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

'You can all relax and resume your game. The unattended bag discovered on the infield turned out to be the second base.'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'It's okay, it's our audible fish alarm.'

"All it will do is move crime to the South Pole."

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

CCTV in church.

"I realize you don't want to miss that important business call next week, but setting your alarm to go off every 10 minutes until then is getting really annoying."

"It's time to wake up!"

The Ayatollah Bomb?

'This biometric ID badge is part of the new security system. The badge contains my encoded retinal scan, fingerprints, and level of job enthusiasm.'

"Fifth robbery this week. That's not a security camera ??" a local TV news station installed it to save time."

"If you're my gramma you wouldn't have a problem consenting to a retina scan!"

The ultimate Secret Service demotion. We're sending you to guard Mount Rushmore.

"Okay, what's your next, more expensive security system?"

Diner. Breakfast Specials. I'm a type "C" personality. Until I have my morning coffee I have no personality at all.

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

The prime minister: the current threat to national security...

Adopt your wireless home security system today!

'Principal McWit, a student without an appointment is here and says he's holding your computer access codes for ransom.'

'Someone is reading our emails. I'm afraid this means we're going to have to talk to each other.'

'Don't worry -- the security camera is for your own protection.'

'Your father installed a security system.'

'They take patient privacy so seriously around here they encrypt your name!'

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

'This fridge is fitted with CCTV.'

'It even has its own built-in home security system!'

'Halt! User name and password.'

Smile you're on camera! You're also on my podcast!

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

Museum. So the thieves got past us with a few items, it's not like the stuff was new.

Every time I try to warn people about the threat level, they say, surely, you jest.

'D'you ever get that uncanny feeling we're not being watched.'