Airport Enthusiast Pillows

"So it's agreed then. There'll be no third runway, and you'll head the Fourth Runway steering group."

'At this time, we would like to call those passengers who feel compelled to board before their row numbers are announced.'

'Haves' and 'Have Nots'

"If you don't get on that plane...there's also the 5:43, then the 9:27, but that's got a layover in Atlanta, then..."

'That flight is totally booked, but for $100 I can arrange for you to ride in the lavatory.'

"I always get stuck in the wrong line."

'Could you please do an dental x-ray? I think I broke a tooth on a rock in my in-flight meal.'

"...we fancied a change this year."

'Hi, I'm a professional airport greeter. That'll be fifty bucks.'

Shot Putting Competition, "He used to be a baggage handler at Heathrow."

'We have our own screening process for lawyers...'

Protestors against noise pollution being told to keep quiet.

"Retinal scan, sir."

'Whenever I feel the urge to travel, I go out to the airport for a couple hours, and that cures it.'

Airport Delays.

"Now boarding-all the people who pushed their way in front of the people supposed to be boarding."

"LaGauardia, and hurry - I've got a flight in six hours."

"I'll put you on the next flight, but first I have to type each of these keys ten million times."

"I don't mind grabbing your suitcases but you're on your own for the emotional baggage."

Airport

Delayed Departure and Late Arrivals

'Jenkins won the health savings award with his suggestion that we have our employee hernia checks done at the airport by TSA agents.'

'How are you, Bob? Why haven't we seen you in church lately?'

Airport Signs.

Travel Agency.

"There are no direct flights, so we're booked on the Scenic Tour of East Coast airports."

'Can you recommend someplace where nothing is expected of us? Wilbur can't stand pleasure of any sort.'

"Daddy likes to be really... really early for flights."

Bag Men

When Flight Attendants Retire

Passport chaos.

"There are no direct flights, so we're booked on the Scenic Tour of East Coast airports."

"You have luggage? - Oh, we don't do LUGGAGE any more."

"I think the maid left the stove on."

'Will you be requiring a pilot?'