Airplanes Pillows

'I need a plane I can fly high enough each day to smoke my cigars without offending anyone.'

'I thought we'd never break through those clouds!'

'Not only is this the shortest runway I've ever seen it's also the widest!'

"I used to be afraid of flying, but thanks to airplanes, not anymore."

On the plus side, folks, we should have you on the ground way, way ahead of schedule...

'You want to get me the owner's manual out of the glove compartment?'

'Dozens of gauges and knobs, but not one cigarette lighter to plug in my heated travel mug.'

'At this time, we would like to call those passengers who feel compelled to board before their row numbers are announced.'

"The flight time today is five hours in first class and twelve and a half in coach."

Flight Simulator / Crash Simulator

"Excuse me, but I think you're in my seat."

'Quick! Page the flight deck, bring me oxygen, gloves, a mask and someone junior!'

"She's all yours."

'Your luggage was accidentally sent to Singapore, sir, and you're being tried in absentia there for smuggling after-shave lotion.'

"Our maintenance crew is fixing a problem that should only take a few minutes but which will haunt you for the duration of the flight."

'What on earth are you doing? Watch your flaps! Increase altitude ... ' Back Seat Pilots: another reason to make cockpits inaccessible to passengers.

'The crisis in air traffic control must be worse than I thought'

'Could you take a quick look and see if I lost a filling on the upper left row of teeth?'

'Ladies and gentlemen, the seat belt sign is on, however, you may see flight attendants up and about...'

Take Off - Fly - Land.

Santa's Near Miss

'I'm sure it's not missing, it's probably right in front of us.'

'Co-pilot to pilot - I've located why the plane is out of balance.'

"Don't worry dude, that's not the intercom, here, give me the manual."

'This kind of thing will never take off.'

Origami International Airport.

'Harold was in the RAF, so I always do him a birthday fly past!'

"At these prices, what do you expect?"

'Keep an eye on that guy, I've got a feeling he could take off!'

'Now that we've boarded our first class, priority, gold priority, business class, premium and gold star passengers - is there anyone else left?'

"It's a funny looking world from where you are now! Right, Bill?"

"Any chance of an upgrade to a flight that's on time?"

"Do you have a seat in business with a view of economy?"

"I happen to be a frequent flyer, and this just doesn't feel right to me."

"And to all of you who swore you'd never fly this airline again - welcome back."