Agrarian History Buff Gifts

Difficult to Please

The Gettysburg Address in process.

'I was in the catering corps.'

"Can you stop complaining about historical inaccuracy and try to enjoy yourself for one minute?"

"Nixon was the same way when he first got here."

The Great Drywall of Sheboygan.

A. Lincoln, President. The "of the people, by the people, for the people" part is great, Abe, but the "people who need people" section may be overkill.

"He reports to Grand Central Palace tomorrow."

Authorization for the Use of Farce

Shakespeare actually had to paraphrase Julius Caesar's last words.

Elephant and Castle

The Election Strategy

'English homework leaves a pleasant after taste. History takes like fast food. But math is a real bummer on my digestive tract.'

Ad Valorem

Centerville.

1998: A Look Back

"Did any townspeople think 'The British Are Coming' was fake news?"

President Grant's Civil Service Reform is not to the Taste of Either Party, despite Professed Enthusiasm

Corruption Contest

The Rudges' peaceful home

"The only time he lets 'em out is when he wants the lawn mooing."

'It wasn't that close...'

"I hunted, Tirka gathered, and Crock made chili."

"It just don't feel right, drinking him like that."

Attempts to boost morale on the retreat from Moscow

"As I recall from the last session, you were born in Tennessee and raised in the woods, so you knew every tree. Then something happened when you were only three. What was that?"

'The Ben Franklin? What an honor! I see your 'Poor Richard's Almanack' in bathrooms all over the place!'

"Well they look pretty undocumented to me."

"Give me liberty, or give me just one sec."

King George IV

"Good news is we killed the vampire. Bad news is he was actually our beloved town hero, Mosquito Man."

'Well, so much for the 'no new commandments' pledge!'

1588: Queen Elizabeth I returns from her holidays

Queen Victoria's first attempt at a catch phrase

Sure, we hold these truths to be self-evident, but we're, like, really smart.