Accidental Candidate T-Shirts

Congratulations, Mort. I noticed your campaign has already raised over $250,000. My what did what now? Very funny. I admire you, Mort. No Democrat has had the guts to take on Congressman Snidely in over 40 years. What are you talking about? I'm not running for anything. You've got a profile page up on the Justice Democrats' website. You're neck-and-neck in the polls. Justice Dem -- Wait a second, I thought I was ordering a t-shirt. I wondered why they had to run a background check for that. You'

"Milk, butter, bread - all past the expiration date. either he just hadn't noticed before, or his time machine worked."

Barbeque Casualty.

"I don't like your application."

'AAAARGH!...Get it off! Whatever the hell it is...Get it off!'

'It wasn't premeditated.

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

'Oy!...Did you spill my pinata!?'

"Larry does all his own stunts."

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'Mr Bluebeard is our safety officer.'

Bureaucratic Position Interview

"I hope your cast is not itchy, Stacy. I had an itchy cast on my arm once and it itched ALL the time. It felt like crawling ants! Itchy, itchy, itchy..."

Bathing and Showering.

'You're being unreasonable,Hank. Me dropping your 17-pound bass was an accident.'

'We need someone to walk the plants.'

"Of course your dad loves the roller-skates you got him. He just went through the door with them."

"Now he decides to start work on the crazy paving."

"If you roped your cowhand by mistake, turn to page 21..."

A statue of a baseball player swinging a bat stands next to a building with a broken glass window.

'Boy, is Mom going to be happy when she hears we melted down her gold cards and got $950 an ounce for them!'

'My hubby is unusually handy about the house. . . unusual in that, he is always the problem to the solution!'

"Damn it—I think I just butt-donated to a charity."

"Oh, come on. If it had happened to me you'd've laughed too."

Upon winning another bowling championship, Dalton throws his ball to the spectators.

Hair trigger

The best place for a dartboard is not beside an open window.

'During my trip around the World, I took some pictures with this new digital camera... here is my finger covering the lens in Sidney... here in New York... Rome... Lisbon... Hamburg...'

A skier who has hit a solitary tree

"For the right job, I'm happy to relocate anywhere."

"I thought they were supposed to comeback."

"Whoa! Looks like a worker's comp thing, Carl."

'I'm not an experienced cook so I use the smoke alarm as my timer!'

Banana Warning

It's so nice talking to you while I'm driving, it helps to break up the monotony!