Academic Title Enthusiast Pillows

'Okay, okay. Rolling, you can be the assistant Directing Chairman. Smith, you'll be the Resident Vice-Chancellor Emeritus. And Rothstein, you're the Head Executive Supervising Associate Dean. Settled?'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

Scarcity

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

''Junk Yard Dog' just sounds so much cooler.'

"And in the category of 'The Most Amazing Comeback from an Academic Nosedive,' the winner is..."

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"I got my PhD in Nursing just so people would have to call me Doctor."

Max Weber

'OKAY, okay Sandra, I'll PAY for your University course. But it BETTER NOT cost me an arm and a leg!...'

End of Affirmative Action

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"...and you call yourself a computational immunotox-pharmacological an-diffracctiion bimolecular therapeutic ononclonal-antibody genomic metabolic-endocrinologist."

Can you translate that to simple-minded!

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

'After being here for more than forty years - as undergraduate, graduate student instructor, professor - what saddens me most is that this was not the college of my choice.'

'He was very big in Vienna.'

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

"I know you're the quote, 'company's envelope orderer', but change the acronym."

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

There are two schools of thought. But they are spelled differently. And one of them is wrong.

Cambridge Dons Researching Gravity.

'There'll be a slight delay. The chef is cramming for his nutrition finals.'

That's Roderick Sloan, the Alvin Meriwether professor of business administration, and with him is Alvin Meriwether, the Roderick Sloan professor of economics.

"I hope that this is just a riot of passage."

'That should be good for quite a few doctoral dissertations in the future.'

"I have to read this disclaimer: Any opinions expressed in this course belong to the professor and do not necessarily mean the university is left-wing."

'That's it?'

'I was just given more responsibility. Now I am not only responsible for corporate mumbo but also for corporate jumbo.'

Emile Durkheim

"In conclusion, I hope you all make plenty of money to donate to your alma mater."

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

"They all failed?! What on earth was the question?" "How do you fund a university?"