Absurdity Admirer Pillows

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

LOST: a chicken has had it's head chopped off and is looking for it placing fliers about town

'You shouldn't worry. Aside from the duck bill and the eggs, you're a perfectly normal mammal.'

Car insurance company offering 'extra low premiums for people without a car'.

"Three Morons At Sea."

'I'm sorry sir, you can't actually have your cake and eat it!'

Optimist

Beached Whales

"Objection! Tar and feathering the witness."

Department of Belly Buttons - Innies/Outies Tray

"It might be a traffic cone to you sir, but it happens to be my favourite."

New Dread: the magazine of undiscovered fears

Shop called "Drink'n'Smoke'n'Shoot" with a sign in their front window that reads "A.T.F. Approved".

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

To catch a feeb....

Psychic - No future.

Insurance quote.

'Now just learn to whistle and I'll be rich!'

'You could've just thrown a pie, but no. You drove all the way home, in a tiny little car, just to get your gun.'

The house market is exploding.

'The last thing he said was 'I'm going to go look up the work 'Dictionary' in the dictionary,' and then the universe kind of collapsed around him,'

'Goodness me, Graham! I didn't think you had musical bone in your body!'

SeeSaw Island

"Is it OK if I turn the humidifier up a bit?"

"You inherited an extra toe from your father and didn't pay the inheritance tax on it."

Interior Monologuist

"Please help me get these squirrels out of my pants. This isn't a pickup line. I really need assistance."

Allosaurus in Wonderland

Jacket required

"Can we have all of your candy, a dog biscuit and a smoke for my cat friend here?"

"Don't tell the 'how-we-met' story."

Let Me Out

"It just don't feel right, drinking him like that."

"Is this the funniest model you have?"

"I see you haven't forgotten how to play with your balls, honey." "Thanks."