Absurdity Admirer Pillows

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

LOST: a chicken has had it's head chopped off and is looking for it placing fliers about town

Car insurance company offering 'extra low premiums for people without a car'.

'You shouldn't worry. Aside from the duck bill and the eggs, you're a perfectly normal mammal.'

"Three Morons At Sea."

Optimist

'I'm sorry sir, you can't actually have your cake and eat it!'

Department of Belly Buttons - Innies/Outies Tray

"It might be a traffic cone to you sir, but it happens to be my favourite."

Beached Whales

"Objection! Tar and feathering the witness."

'We still have some kinks to work out with the new pet therapy program.'

'Goodness me, Graham! I didn't think you had musical bone in your body!'

"I wonder what odds you would have got for that happening?"

"It's for you."

'Now just learn to whistle and I'll be rich!'

To catch a feeb....

The house market is exploding.

'The last thing he said was 'I'm going to go look up the work 'Dictionary' in the dictionary,' and then the universe kind of collapsed around him,'

Desert Island Eviction Notice

Insurance quote.

'You could've just thrown a pie, but no. You drove all the way home, in a tiny little car, just to get your gun.'

New Dread: the magazine of undiscovered fears

Psychic - No future.

Shop called "Drink'n'Smoke'n'Shoot" with a sign in their front window that reads "A.T.F. Approved".

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

"If it wasn't for the mirage I'd think I was going mad."

Interior Monologuist

Allosaurus in Wonderland

Man choosing which 'picture' of a woman to sleep with that night

Giant sandwich bags.

Catching Foxes

Jacket required

"You're watching the Baseless Enthusiasm Network. Hot Damn!"

Futurological Institute. Knock after entering.