Absurdist Humor Pillows

"It's perfect."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

Murder in Apartment 6-K

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

Boomerang cow.

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

'I told you it wouldn't work.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'It's the pink spot, Jim lad - them rascals is going to try and tweak my nipples!'

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

'I'm afraid I'll fall and no one will hear me.'

Monster Clown

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"Aaaaugh! It's the Zombie Alpacalypse!"

Franz Kafka

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Could you ask him where he left the remote?'

'I'm about to die and now I realise I have REALLY BAD breath!'

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

'Notice the nice safety feature...crash-proof bumpers!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

Crashed Aliens - "Miss Fortnum, come in here immediately..and bring the first aid kit."

A Centaur Taking A Shower

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

Testing...testing...one, two, three...

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

"Sorry, Jeff. This just isn't working as I'd hoped."

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

"I'm used to embellished resumes, but claiming you can herd cats is a bit far fetched..."