Absurd Author Appreciator T-Shirts

'A lot of my stories involve milk.'

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Glance Exchange

Barcode Dreams

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

Optimist

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Now that's what I'M talkin' 'bout!"

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"And the Hungriest Black Hole there ever was ate everything in the entire universe and lived happily ever after."

The Ekert Saga: 'Ah, another week of school begins...might as well try to make the most of it!...You're crampin' my style, Ekert.'

"Could you tilt the Earth just a bit more away from the light?"

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"Valet park only"

'It's in my belly-button if you must know!'

The missiles had failed...so it was down to Frank...and plan B.

"What if the cat stuck in the tree has a gun? Is that an emergency?"