Abstract Humor Enthusiast Gifts

"I just had an epiphany or a small seizure."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'I think the new V. P. of Global Development is here.'

Trappist Monk Discord

Murder in Apartment 6-K

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

"Tonight I'm getting together with pals to sit around and croak."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

Boomerang cow.

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

'I told you it wouldn't work.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'I'm afraid I'll fall and no one will hear me.'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Crime in bookshop

"Aaaaugh! It's the Zombie Alpacalypse!"

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Ask A Silly Question.

Men Working Things Out

Franz Kafka

Clone Factory

"Inactivists"

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

'Notice the nice safety feature...crash-proof bumpers!'